


The Art of Distancing Yourself

by Anonymous



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Detailed Self-Harm, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Masturbation, Self-Harm, Starving, Suicidal Thoughts, alcohol consumption, this was a vent fic, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:08:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29500419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It’s been a year since they’ve all woken up from their pods. A year and a half since they left the simulation. Komaeda doesn’t deserve good things after what he’s done, so he distances himself and tries to push everyone away. But that could only work for so long.
Relationships: Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 2
Kudos: 125
Collections: Anonymous





	The Art of Distancing Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags as this could be very triggering for you. If any of you are feeling down, just know that you aren’t alone <3 I hope you all have a lovely day or night, and thank you for reading if you choose to read this.

The days on Jabberwock Island—the real one, no longer the simulation—seemed almost cold, meaningless. 

It has been a year since everyone has woken up from their respective pods. A year in a half since everyone has been freed from the simulation. 

And it was no surprise that everyone hated Komaeda. He was sure that everyone was keeping their distance from him— absolutely positive of it, in fact—and he couldn’t blame them at all for it. 

After all, he had done very terrible things in the simulation. He had gotten Nanami killed, though that wasn’t his original intention. His original intention was for them to vote wrong and everyone but Nanami would die. That made things even worse. And before that, he had acted like a complete lunatic—it was no wonder no one would trust him now. 

But still, it got quite lonely. Komaeda had made the decision to live on the real Jabberwock island with the rest of them, but right now, he wished nothing more than to just die. No one would care if he was gone. No one wanted him around. But sadly, his luck wouldn’t allow him to die such an easy death. 

So instead, he sat in his bed in middle of the day, all alone in his cottage, holding a knife to the skin on his arm, carving line after line of cuts, painting his skin with thin ropes of blood. 

_It doesn’t matter that I haven’t done anything outside of the simulation. I did terrible things when we had thought it was all real. I don’t blame them for not trusting me._

Komaeda watches as the blood dribbles down his arms. It was a free day, so thankfully, they didn’t have to do anything. 

It was nearing the time for dinner, and Komaeda really should go, considering he had skipped meals for two days. He should be starving, but he can’t bring himself to even step foot into the dining hall. No one seemed to notice. 

Then there’s of course the fact, he’s in love with Hinata Hajime. He has been ever since the simulation, but he’s positive that Hinata hates him more than anyone else in the group. 

At that thought, he carves in another cut, a little deeper than usual this time, and he grows drowsy and falls asleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A knock sounds at the door, and Komaeda sleepily opens his eyes. 

_Who could possibly be knocking at my door right now?_

Komaeda notices that the blood on his arms has dried, and he hurries to close the knife and stuff it back under his pillow. He puts on his jacket and then heads to the door. 

Opening it reveals the attractive brunette he’s in love with. 

But Komaeda doesn’t bother to put on a smile. 

“What do you need, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asks him. 

“Well, uh…” Hinata rubs the back of his head nervously, “I noticed you haven’t been going to the dining hall. Have you been eating?”

“Yes,” Komaeda knows it’s a lie, but what does Hinata care?

“Are you doing alright?” Hinata asks. 

“Yes,” Komaeda tells him. Another lie. 

_I’m such a horrible person for lying to you._

The conversation falls silent, and Hinata says his goodbyes, not knowing what else to say. 

Komaeda so desperately wants to be close to Hinata. To touch him. To be able to feel him, and hold him. 

_God_ , he is so desperate. 

Shutting the door, he begins palming himself through his pants. 

“Mm,” he silently moans. He continues to palm himself until it isn’t enough. 

He lays on his bed and unbuttons his jeans. He pulls down his jeans and boxers, freeing his cock at last. 

He wraps a hand around himself and begins stroking. He fantasizes about Hinata as he delivers quick, even strokes. 

_Hinata pulls Komaeda close by the collar with one hand, while his other hand has a tight grip on Komaeda’s dripping cock._

_“You really are such the slut, aren’t you? A dirty little whore,” Hinata says, “do you want me to fuck you like the whore you are?”_

_“Yes,” Komaeda breaths, “I want you to—mmhmf!” Hinata strokes his cock fast, and it’d too much for Komaeda as he comes undone completely._

Komaeda releases his cock, his hands sticky, as the fantasy starts to wear off. Hinata would talk to him dirty, like he’s trash, because that’s all he deserves. He’s only good for one thing and that’s being used as a disposable toy. That’s all he is, he doesn’t deserve Hinata’s love and affection. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days have passed, and he hasn’t entered the dining hall to eat since he stopped eating. It has now been a week since he last ate, but no one noticed. Of course no one noticed. But it’d be just his luck to be assigned to clean the restaurant dining room after breakfast. No one was assigned to clean it with him, but that’s okay—he’s great at cleaning. One of the only things he is good at. 

He steps foot into the dining room. It’s all empty, and still smelling freshly of food from breakfast. He ignores his stomach when it growls. 

_No, I will not eat. Worthless trash such as myself isn’t deserving of food._

He starts with cleaning the tabletops. He clears the scraps of food off the plates and into the trash before bringing all the dishes into the kitchen. He handwashes them all. 

Once he’s finished with that, he grabs a broom and begins sweeping the floor. It is then that he begins to feel a bit dizzy, so he stops for a few seconds to let it pass, but it only grows stronger.

_No, not now...I can’t feel dizzy right now…_

His consciousness fades away completely and he falls to the ground with a quiet thud. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He wakes up a few hours later, still where he fainted. He just sits there a moment, very disoriented. 

_Seems that I was lucky that no one had found me here._

Souda finds him there a moment later. 

Souda frowns, “Are you taking a break, Komaeda-kun? I thought for sure the dining room would be cleaned fully by now.” 

Komaeda stands up, and a fresh wave of dizziness hits him. He immediately falls back to the ground, unable to keep on two feet. 

“I’m just taking a break,” Komaeda says anyways, “what do you need, Souda-kun? As you can see, I’m quite busy.” 

“That’s not quite busy!” Souda argues, “you look pale, like you’ve seen a ghost, and you can’t even stand—“ 

“I’m just taking a break,” Komaeda repeats, “don’t worry yourself over useless trash like me. I can still clean the rest.” 

“But—“

“What seems to be the problem here?” 

They both startle at the sound of Hinata’s voice. 

Souda beats Komaeda to speaking, “He’s obviously unwell. He keeps getting dizzy and can’t even stand! And he says he can continue to clean. Can you believe that, Hinata-kun?” 

“That’s because I can continue to clean,” Komaeda says. He gets back onto his feet and picks up the broom to prove it. He’s still dizzy, but he tries to force it away. Tries not to let the two notice, until it becomes too much and he’s falling forward, and Hinata rushes to catch him. 

“You’re so light…” Hinata says, “have you been eating?” 

“Of course I have, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda lies. 

Hinata doesn’t seem convinced. 

“You’re taking tomorrow off,” he says, “and I’m calling Hanamura-san to make you something right now. I’ll also finish up in here for you.” 

_Great, I’m just a burden again. Pathetic, worthless trash that isn’t even good for cleaning anymore. That’s me._

Hinata lifts Komaeda into his arms like the white-haired male weighs nothing. Turning to face Souda, he says, “Hey, can you go fetch Hanamura-san?” 

Souda nods and exits the building. Hinata carries Komaeda to a table and sets him down. He sits by him a moment later. 

“Why haven’t you been eating, Komaeda-kun?” Hinata asks. 

_Because trash like me doesn’t deserve food._

“I have been,” Komaeda lies. 

“You are malnourished, Komaeda-kun,” Hinata points out. 

Looking away, Komaeda mumbles, “What do you want from me? You’re not going to get another answer.” 

“Look, I’m worried about you—“

“Don’t worry yourself over worthless trash like me, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda says, “there are much better things that energy can go into.” 

“But, you can’t even walk without standing up straight—“ 

“Did you worry about Nanami-san like this too?” 

That was a dick move, and Komaeda knows it. He watches as Hinata tenses up, and a blank expression washes over his face. He allows the guilt to wash over him.

“Just make sure you eat,” Hinata says, before leaving the building. 

_I’m sorry, Hinata-kun, but it’s better that you stay away from trash like me._

He doesn’t wait for the Souda and Hanamura to get back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night, he holds his knife to flesh again—to his leg this time— carving in more cuts, on the fleshy part of his leg, going deeper than he normally does. He hisses at the pain. 

_I deserve this. I deserve nothing but pain and despair._

Once he delivers the last cuts, he feels the tears streaming down his face, cascading his vision, and he breaks into a few broken, quiet sobs. 

_I’m so pathetic. I don’t deserve happiness, love, or affection. Everyone here is such great people, and I must suffer for my actions in the simulation. For my actions before that, even. I was so cruel, and I must suffer for it._

He falls asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He has the next day off. He tries to skip breakfast again, but this time he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts on some pants and his jacket before answering to reveal Hinata.

“What are you doing here, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asks him.

“You know why,” Hinata replies, “you didn’t stay to eat Hanamura’s cooking yesterday like I told you to. I’m here to make sure you eat.” 

Hinata grabs Komaeda’s hand and leads him out of the room. Komaeda wants to let go, but Hinata won’t let him. 

“You shouldn’t touch trash, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda says.

“If I let go, you’re just going to try and get out of eating again,” he says. 

“Is this yours or Kamakura-kun’s decision?” 

Hinata freezes and tenses up. He finally lets go and turns around to face Komaeda properly.

“Is this your way of trying to push me away, Komaeda-kun?”

Komaeda freezes for a moment, before relaxing a moment later. And then he lets out a laugh, remnants of despair swirling in his eyes. 

“Oh, Hinata-kun... You just don’t learn, do you?” Komaeda asks, “I don’t like you, Hinata-kun. You’re too much like that bastard Kamakura-kun.”

“Komaeda-kun…?” Hinata seems nervous now. 

Komaeda knows he should stop talking, yet he can’t find it in himself to do so. 

“You’re nothing but a pathetic ex-reserve course student,” Komaeda tells him, “I bet you use to fuck Nanami-san just to—“ 

Hinata slaps him, and Komaeda falls on his ass. He snaps out of it.

“Alright, fine, it worked,” Hinata grits his teeth and turns his back to Komaeda, “I’ll leave you alone now.” 

_I really am such a messed up person, aren’t I? I couldn’t even stop myself from relapsing with the despair. I said such….awful things._

He watches as Hinata walks away. He decides to eat, anyways, if only to not make things worse for Hinata. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He headed up to the warehouse. No one would clean the warehouse, so he’d be safe there. Sighing, he quietly pushes the doors open. 

Memories of the simulation wash over him. He had threatened them with a bomb attack—it was all a bluff. A bluff for his more superior plan. 

He had given himself several deep cuts, stabbed his hand with a knife, tied himself up and gagged himself with tape to keep from screaming out. He had pierced himself with a spear, but he held onto it until he dealt his final blow—making Nanami throw the gas canister that contained the poison. 

Entering deeper, Komaeda spots a box full of alcohol. 

“I shouldn’t…” he mumbles as he walks closer and grabs a bottle of whiskey. Popping the cap off, he takes a gulp. And then another. And then another. Before he knew it, he had drank half the bottle. 

_I’m such pathetic trash...I should just die…_

He goes to stand up—to leave this filthy place—and he immediately trips over something and falls forward. He laughs. 

“Mmm so paa’the’tic,” Komaeda slurrs, “how cu’d anyone luve me?” 

He gets back up onto his two feets and wobbles towards the door. It’s a long way back to his cottage, and he’s not quite sure how he’ll make it back. But he keeps walking and stumbling until he finds himself near the cottages, but he walks past them to the pool. 

It had gotten quite late now, and everyone would definitely be done cleaning. In fact, he’s pretty sure they’re in their cottages by now. 

Komaeda knows how easy it’d be to just drown himself right then and there. But he doesn’t want anyone to find his body in the swimming pool the next morning, so he doesn’t. 

“Komaeda-kun?” 

He turns around and a goofy grin spreads on his face. 

“Hina’ta-kun,” Komaeda slurs. He stumbles forward towards Hinata, “mm, what bri’ngs you here, Hina’ta-kun?” 

“Are you drunk?” Hinata asks. Komaeda freezes. 

And then he gives a sheepish nod, “So wh’at if I amm, hmm?” 

“It’s late,” Hinata says, “come on, let's put you to bed.” Hinata wraps an arm around Komaeda to keep him steady as he leads the white haired male towards his cottage. 

“Why d’you care so mu’ch, Hina’ta-kun?” Komaeda asks when they reach the inside of his cottage. 

“You’re just as important as anyone else here,” Hinata says, “now, why don’t you let me help you remove some of your clothes so you can sleep more comfortably?” 

“Ohhh, does Hina’ta-kun wan see me na’ke’d?” Komaeda stumbles a few steps forward so that Hinata’s back is pressed against the wall. 

Then, he presses his lips to Hinata’s in a very sloppy manner. He’s too drunk to realize that Hinata isn’t being responsive. He kisses the corners of Hinata’s lips, and then his neck, and he begins grinding against Hinata.

“Ah!” Hinata lets out a soft moan, allowing Komaeda to continue grinding against him, and then Komaeda bites down on his neck, leaving a mark. 

Hinata gently pushes Komaeda off of him, “Komaeda-kun, we can’t.” 

Komaeda averts his gaze, “It makes sen’se thaat Hina’ta-kun wouldn wan do thi’s wi’th trash like my’se’lf.” 

“That’s not it,” Hinata says, “you’re drunk. You aren’t in the right mind to consent to anything, and I don’t want to take advantage of you like that.” Then Hinata offers him a soft smile, “I’m going to finish getting you ready for bed now.” 

Komaeda sits on the bed, and Hinata helps him remove his jacket. His eyes widen at all the fresh and old cuts littering his arms. 

“Komaeda-kun, what are these?” Hinata asks. 

Komaeda stays silent. Hinata removes Komaeda’s pants, revealing even more cuts. 

“Komaeda-kun, why are you hurting yourself?” Hinata asks him in a kind, gentle tone. 

“Tis’ what I de’ser’ve,” Komaeda responds. 

“Why is that?” Hinata asks. 

“I did terr’ble things in the sim’ula’tion,” Komaeda says, “you guys haf to stay a’way from me.” 

“Why’s that?” 

Komaeda frowns, “I dun de’ser’ve nice things, Hina’ta-kun. You all will jus get hu’urt.” 

“Komaeda-kun…”

Komaeda falls asleep a moment later. Hinata feels the knife under his pillow and removes it. Then he gently moves Komaeda into position and tucks him in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Komaeda luckily woke up with only a slight hangover. It was quite the miracle, considering how much he drank the prior night. 

He couldn’t remember the events during which he was drunk. But he did recall how he treated Hinata when the brunette was just trying to make sure he eats. 

_I have to punish myself._

Desperately, he reaches for the knife under his pillow, just to find it missing. Frantically, he begins to search the bed, but to no avail, it wasn’t there. 

Then the door opens, and Hinata walks in holding a cup of water in one hand, and something else in his other. 

Komaeda’s eyes widen upon realizing his scars are revealed for any wandering eyes to see. 

“I got you some water and medicine,” Hinata offers a smile, sitting Komaeda back down on the bed gently. “It’s for your hangover.” 

Nodding slowly, Komaeda pops the two little pills in his mouth and gulps down the water. 

Gently, Hinata lifts one of Komaeda’s arms to inspect the cuts. Komaeda squirms under his careful gaze. 

“I want to make sure they’re not infected,” Hinata explains. 

Komaeda looks away, “Why? I’ve only said mean things to you.” 

“Because I care about you,” Hinata tells him, “I don’t want you hurting yourself anymore, Komaeda-kun.” 

“Why not?” Komaeda frowns. 

“Because you’re my friend,” Hinata tells him, “but also, because I have feelings for you. You’re special to me, Komaeda-kun..?”

_Special…? There’s no way…_

“Oh, I get it,” Komaeda says and leans in closer, “you want to use me for sex. Go ahead, Hinata-kun, I won’t mind.” He palms Hinata’s crotch to make a point. 

“Ah—“ Hinata moans before pushing Komaeda off him, “that’s not it, Komaeda-kun!” 

Komaeda freezes. 

_Then what…?_

“Oh, I see, I must look ugly now because of my scars. I’m damaged goods,” Komaeda’s lips purse together into a thin line, “of course you don’t want me, Hinata-kun.” 

“That’s not it either, Komaeda-kun. You’re beautiful,” Hinata tells him, “why is it so hard to accept that someone might actually have feelings for you?” 

Komaeda’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Then why…?”

“I know you’ve done fucked up shit, Komaeda-kun, but we all have! And despite it all—even during the simulation—I’ve developed feelings for you,” Hinata sighs, “but I don’t want you just for sex, Komaeda-kun. I respect you. I respect _us_. I want to take it slow, if you’ll let me in.” 

“You really mean it…?” Komaeda asks, his usual stony expression replaced with a more soft and vulnerable one. 

“Yes,” Hinata says, “and if you ever feel the urge to hurt yourself again, please come to me first. We’ll get through this together, okay?” 

Hinata pulls Komaeda into a hug and that was the last thing Komaeda could take before his demeanor fell completely, leaving him nothing but a sobbing mess in Hinata’s arms. 

“I’m so sorry, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda sobs, “For all the things I’ve said, and I’ve done, and—“ 

Hinata rubs soothing circles into Komaeda’s back, “I forgive you, Komaeda-kun. We all have. We just want you to be comfortable around us, but you’ve been pushing us all away.”

“Because I don’t deserve it,” Komaeda cries, “even back before the simulation, I was quite messed up. I—“

“We all deserve a second chance, Komaeda-kun,” Hinata tells him, “we’re all to blame, not just you. If we deserve a second chance, then so do you, okay?” 

Finally, Komaeda’s tears come to an end and he meekly nods. 

“Will you finally let me in?” Hinata asks him, “Will you allow me to have the honor of being your boyfriend?” 

“Yes,” Komaeda whispers, “I’ve wanted nothing more than to be your boyfriend, Hinata-kun.” 

Finally, Hinata leans down and presses their lips together in a soft, chaste kiss. 

It wasn’t going to be easy, and it’d certainly be a rocky road, but Komaeda was finally willing to take the first few steps towards a happier future for himself, and he was lucky to have Hinata there willing to help him back on his feet when he falls back down again. Today, he really felt like the luckiest man alive.


End file.
